It's a fact, girls suck at games. With the Nintendo Shii though, that's a bonus, apparently

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I expect that when you think of having superpowers, you think how epically awesome it would be to be able to do something like fly, turn invisible or read minds. You'd be wrong. If you think about them scientifically, most superpowers would suck the big one. Prepare to have your childhood dreams shattered folks.

Flying

Why it's awesome
Man, who doesn't want to be able to fly? You can laugh at gravity, zoom through the air unaided, like Superman or Neo or several thousand species of bird. And, like them, maybe find out what it's like to take a dump in mid-air. What are they going to do, arrest you? Only if the cops have a damned jet.

Why it sucks
So how fast are you going up there? Were you assuming you'd get super speed to go along with your flight? OK. Have you seen what a bird can do to a jet engine at high speed? Imagine what it does to your face. Yeah, that's why anything going faster than a hang glider has a windshield up there.
But if instead just you're flying at about the same speed you run, then, well, you're like that old couple that drives 25 on the motorway. The crime will be long over by the time your slow ass gets there.
But let's say you did get some kind of speed boost, and a bird-proof face. Do you know where you're going? Up there in the wild blue yonder, without landmarks, how do you expect to navigate? Do you have an exact map of the entire country in your head? Sure, you can find the Empire State building if that's where the bad guys are, but what if the crime is happening in some house way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere, amid a tangle of looping country roads?
OK, so you get some kind of radar installed in your head. But now you have the atmosphere to deal with. Wind constantly blowing particles into your eyes and the freezing cold. Granted, you'd have to go up pretty high to get that effect, but you're not going to be a moron and fly where people can see you.

Oh, by the way, you might want to be careful what you wear. Not only is it cold enough to freeze your balls, but lower temperatures mean you're more of a conductor of electricity. It's like when you're walking home on a winter day, come in and shock the shit out of whatever you touch. Multiply that by say, a million. If you're wearing anything like wool - though I don't know what the Hell kind of superhero would wear wool anyway - you're going to be a human capacitor. If you happen to be a supervillain, we suggest working on your Palpatine voice so you can make one Hell of an entrance when you land.

Super Strength

Why it 's awesome
Super strength, as demonstrated by pretty much every fucking superhero ever, is the superpower that everybody wants most. Yes, more than flight. Flight doesn't do you a damned bit of good if after you get there you can't kick some ass. But there are a couple of big problems with it. Big ones.

Why it sucks
So the first thing you'll want to do in your career as a superhero is try to lift something huge. Hell, that's all they did in the last Superman movie and - oh no! That bus is falling off a cliff! Better go catch it!

You jump up and catch the underside on your hands. Great job! But, instead of the relieved cries of little Johnny and Mary as they're saved from falling to fiery doom, you hear screams of agony as your hands rip through the undercarriage, up through the aisle, your arms and torso now bloodied like some B-grade zombie. It's not your blood; you just impaled little Johnny from crotch to sternum.

You can thank the laws of physics, specifically, pressure. Because all of your super strength is concentrated in your tiny little hands, you're basically like a dagger plunging into a watermelon. Remember when Superman caught that airliner in Superman Returns? He'd have just gotten embedded in the nosecone. He'd be puncturing the plane, not catching it.

Same thing when you wind up launching yourself into space to stop that asteroid. At best you'll bury yourself in the surface of the rock, at worst you'll crack the thing into pieces, turning one killer asteroid into three. If there were any life on Earth left, we're pretty sure on your tombstone it would read something like "Here lies ______, who passed away from being metaphorically slapped in the face by Isaac Newton's penis."

Super Speed

Why it's awesome
So let's settle for a lesser super power. How about super speed, like the Flash? Outrun bullet trains, bullets and/or bullets being fired by trains. You can get anywhere you need to be faster on foot than most people can drive.

Why it sucks
You may have noticed after your little impression of the Flash that your whole body's wreathed in fire. It's the friction of your body rubbing against a whole bunch of air molecules. The rest of us mortals aren't bothered by that because we move at the pace of a narcoleptic snail compared to you.

But, hey, maybe you've got some kind of fireproof suit. But Newton is still going to find a way to fuck you up. And if you thought friction was an asshole, wait until you hear what inertia is going to do to you. Let's say you hear about a totally awesome party across town and there's a girl there who wants your goodies like, right this second. Zoom, off you go. But wait, what's that gooey shit on the ground behind you?

That, my friend, is your internal organs being liquefied from approximately 25 Gs and pushed out through your pores. Not that you'll care because the moment you do your immediate, Flash-like stop, your brain will go slamming into the front of your skull.

OK, so maybe you've got a special suit that is both fireproof and somehow overcomes the forces of inertia. For super speed to be of any use to you, your perception would have to be sped up as well. Otherwise the landscape will go blurring past and you'll wind up pulverizing yourself on the nearest wall like a fly on a windshield.

OK, so fine, let's say you've got super sped-up senses to go with your super speed. Now your problem is that when you're functioning at normal speed, the rest of the world will seem impossibly slow to your super-fast brain. You watched The Matrix, right? Of course you did, don't play that game. Well, imagine what it would be like if you were in bullet time all the fucking time. Thanks to your sped-up perceptions, everything takes place in super slow motion, including the waiting room at the dentist.

Invisibility

Why it's awesome
We can't see you. Apparently you're invisible, along with Susan Storm, the Invisible Woman and most gases. Though you have to admit, this one would be a Hell of a lot more useful for committing crime than stopping it.

Why it sucks
Ironically, the rest of the world will be as invisible to you as you are to it. After all, the sense of sight works by having the waves of visible light reflect from an object onto our retinas, where it forms an upside-down image and is transmitted to the brain where it's converted into the image of whatever you were looking at.

You being invisible means that all those light waves are passing through your body. So, sure, they aren't bouncing off you to return to someone else's eyes, but this in turn means that they aren't hitting your own retina, either. So, whenever you're invisible, you're also blind.

Then we get into the whole bizarre question of where exactly your invisibility ends. If it's just your body, then foreign objects that aren't a part of you, like food, can still be seen. Good luck getting a dinner date - I don't exactly think your ability to demonstrate the full process of digestion will help you get the ladies, since they'll be talking to a floating glob of vomit the whole time. Then you get into the dust and moisture that lands on your body, turning you into a clearly visible, if ghostly, shape that will totally defeat the point.

If you somehow get around those problems, we're still assuming your invisibility doesn't somehow make all clothing turn invisible, then you're walking around naked the whole time. This sounds awesome until you're passing through a crowd and some dude accidentally smacks you in the nuts with his briefcase. Since he doesn't know you're there, he's swinging his arm freely, flattening your junk with the full impact of the briefcase's hard, unforgiving metal corner.
Then he's stopping to wonder why suddenly there's a puddle of puke on the ground.

Super Senses

Why it's awesome
The human powers of perception, for the most part, are pretty damned limited. Hell, we can only see and hear a small part of the spectrum of waves. But you, you've got super-senses: your sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste are all far beyond what the rest of us experience. You're like Daredevil, only not blind.

Why it sucks
You don't get to turn off your senses. No senses work that way, and if they did, they'd be useless. How would you know, for instance, to only listen to the crime happening 10 miles away, and not the 50,000 televisions playing between here and there? But it gets much, much worse.

As we mentioned, there's a lot of shit humans can't see or hear. Visible light, for instance, only runs the electromagnetic spectrum between 400 and 700 nanometers. That's about a thousand times less than the width of a human hair. Outside that are radio waves, microwaves, X-rays, gamma rays and pretty much everything else you could think of.

Those billions of particles that gatecrash through Earth's atmosphere from the Sun? Yep, you see them. The shitty "Top 40" songs you hear on the radio? You get to see rippling along the airwaves. You can't look at people without being disgusted - all the hairs and clogged pores and flaking dead skin would make you want to throw up your burrito.

That's just sight. Hearing's something else. You can hear heartbeats, breathing, the gurgle of food digesting. You want to have a hot dirty-talking session with your girlfriend? Better do it in a soundproofed room or you won't hear shit. Actually you will hear shit; you'll hear everyone who's shitting at that moment, clear as a bell.

Taste and smell would be just as bad. Think about it: deodorant, perfume, and the like are strong enough on their own. No matter how good it might smell, if an odor's strong enough it's going to be unbearable. Imagine smelling or tasting it at 10 or 100 times its normal intensity - you'd want to claw out your tongue and plug up your nostrils. And that's good smells - inevitably, there's always going to be a baby that just shit its nappy.

Immortality

Why it's awesome
Mortal coil? What the fuck is that? Most people have existential dread to worry about, because they've only got a few short decades to live before they take that final dirt nap. But you're immortal, just like Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen. No pain, no sickness, no aging can harm you. You have all of eternity to do whatever the fuck you want to do, so take your time.

Why it sucks
Okay, after the first, say, few hundred years, everything's still fine and well. You've seen a few generations of people live and die, and had this happen to your family. Oh well, they were likely douches you could live without anyway at some points. Companionship is companionship, or so you think.

Not so fast: You know how when you were younger (by human terms, a child), an hour seemed like forever to you? As people grow, their brain starts to perceive time differently. An hour feels like less time. Now extend that logic to a year, or a decade, or a century. This means that eventually, you will be completely unable to form relationships with human beings because their lives and deaths will flash past you like a tape on fast-forward.

Let's keep going into the future, since you're a sociopathic recluse and think you're still okay with this whole immortality thing. There are so many things that could go wrong with the planet, an asteroid strike, nuclear war, the LHC, but let's assume the planet somehow makes it through all that without being reduced to dust.

Five billion years from now or so, the Sun expands into a red giant. You survive the first roasting, but nothing else does. The Sun eventually rips planet Earth into rubble with gravity. So now there you are floating in outer space, drifting along, or getting a bitching tan at the heart of the Sun so you can pick up some killer alien chicks in the Andromeda galaxy if you ever get there (you won't).

Either way, a few trillion years later, the universe starts to really show its entropy. Every where is the same. No stars, no planets, no black holes, just an empty, cold mass of subatomic particles that can never come together again. And you, floating along in the void. Forever.

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Some people will be offended by this list. They may want to hurt me, but fortunately I can out-run them. On with the obesity.

1. Your stomach hangs out under your dress


2. No-one can tell if you're a man or a woman


3. You look like the Michelin Man


4. Your neck is wider than your head


5. You can only put your drink down when you've eaten enough


6. You're heavier than a Kawasaki Ninja


7. You have a gunt


8. Your head's on backwards. Oh, wait.


9. You go on safari and you're the attraction


10. Om nom nom nom nom

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Kids are sneaky. Apparently, after happy slapping, sexting is what all the cool kids are in to. It's like texting, but sexy things. So someone put the words 'sex' and 'texting' together to make 'sexting'. I don't know who did it first, but they're evidently a master of literature. If I had those kind of skills, I'd work for The Sun for sure.

If you're like me you wanna keep up with the little whipper snappers, you'd better get familiar with this list of popular, like sharpish.

1. 8 - Oral sex


2. 1337 - Elite


3. 143 - I love you


4. 182 - I hate you


5. 459 - I love you


6. 1174 - Nude club


7. 420 - Marijuana


8. ADR - Address


9. ASL - Age/Sex/Location


10. banana - Penis


11. CD9 - Code 9 - Parents are around


12. DUM - Do You Masturbate?


13. DUSL - Do You Scream Loud?


14. FB - Funt Buddy


15. FMLTWIA - Funt Me Like The Whore I Am


16. FOL - Fond of Leather


17. GNOC - Get Naked On Cam


18. GYPO - Get Your Pants Off


19. IAYM - I Am Your Master


20. IF/IB - In the Front / In the Back


21. IIT - Is It Tight?


22. ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance


23. IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You?


24. IWSN - I Want Sex Now


25. J/O - Jerking Off


26. KFY or K4Y - Kiss For You


27. kitty - Vagina


28. KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless


29. LMIRL - Let's Meet In Real Life


30. MOOS - Member Of The Opposite Sex


31. MOSS - Member(s) Of The Same Sex


32. MorF - Male or Female


33. MOS - Mom Over Shoulder


34. MPFB - My Personal Funt Buddy


35. NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That


36. NIFOC - Nude In Front Of The Computer


37. NMU - Not Much, You?


38. P911 - Parent Alert


39. PAL - Parents Are Listening


40. PAW - Parents Are Watching


41. PIR - Parent In Room


42. POS - Parent Over Shoulder Piece Of Shoe


43. PRON - Porn


44. Q2C - Quick To Cum


45. RU/18 - Are You Over 18?


46. RUH - Are You Horny?


47. S2R - Send To Receive


48. SorG - Straight or Gay


49. TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me


50. WYCM - Will You Call Me?

Did you see that I used a couple of alternative naughty words? Did you spot that? Golly.

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Rachel and Hutch get a dog. The dog eats everything. The dog dies. Everyone cries. End

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I've been playing computer games for as long as I can remember. The first system (if you can call it that) I had was an Acorn tape driven thing. I remember you used to have to put in the cassette, press play, go for a bike ride, come home and have dinner, watch The Demon Headmaster, Woof, Knightmare or whatever else was on tele and then go back to check if the level had loaded. Then you'd play for 30 seconds, die, and then have to rewind the cassette and go through the whole thing again. Thank God for technological advances.

Before I got the PS3 that I currently game on these days, I used my PC, but before that, it was the Amiga. The Amiga 600 more specifically. I loved that thing and spent many an hour playing through game after game or 24bit goodness.

What follows is my top 10 Amiga games. The games that shaped my childhood. The games that turned me into the gamer I'll gladly call myself today. The games that you should have played, and if you didn't, shame on you.

10. Body Blows
My first beat 'em up of choice. Four disks of greatness. Unfortunately, my disk four didn't work, so this remains the only game on my list that I didn't complete.



9. Lotus Turbo Challenge 2
I can still remember some of the level codes. "Liverpool" was one, and "Peasoup" was another. Suffice to say I played this far too much!



8. SuperFrog
Super. Frog. He was a frog. But super. What more could you ask for?



7. Desert Strike
This game took me so long to complete. It was epically difficult. Taking on an entire army with a single chopper does have a tendency to be challenging though.



10. The Blues Brothers
Me and my brother would play this in two player mode for hours. I was always the tall slim guy, and my brother was the short fat one. Pretty much how we still are today.



5. Zool
Zool. The Alien from the Nth Dimension. Where was the Nth Dimension? Well you never found out. But I remember that you had to collect sweets and play music on big pianos for bonuses, which was cool. Also the soundtrack kicked ass.



4. Cannon Fodder
Left click move. Right click shoot. So simple. Go satisfying.



Sensible Soccer
They don't make football games like this anymore, which is a shame. Top down and the ability to run in eight directions. Oh, and you could design your own kits too. What more could you want?



2. Frontier Elite 2
This took over my life for a short period. Arguably one of the greatest games ever. But if you ever played it, you already know that.



1. Flashback
Horribly complex puzzles and horribly hard baddies, but gorgeous levels, great gameplay and graphics that beat most other things out at the time. This game ruined any social life I may have otherwise had, even if my first version was in French.



Ones that almost made the top 10:
Batman: The Movie
Cool Spot
Chuck Rock
Crystal Kingdom Dizzy
Earthworm Jim
Speedball 2
The Chaos Engine
The Secret of Monkey Island

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Ever heard of him before? I somehow doubt it. As it's Saturday night and I have nothing better to do, I was looking at some videos on YouTube and came across a collection by the aforementioned Dr Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Did I mention that he's a doctor? Yep, a doctor. A doctor of astrophysics no less. Very cool stuff indeed. Oh, and he has a moustache that was obviously crafted by angels.

After watching four or five incredibly inspiring interviews and debates (some of which I've included below), I've decided that if all of humanity was facing total annihilation, then he'd be the man that I would undoubtedly trust with mine, and everyone else's, lives.

I wish he was my physics teacher at school. Maybe then I would have listened a bit more and not actually failed my physics A-level. If my old physics teacher is reading this, you're a douche. And I know what you probably earn. Touch titties buddy. Tough titties indeed.

Death by Black Hole


How to Deflect a Killer Asteroid


World to End in 2012?


One a side note, here's a collection of fails. It is Saturday night afterall

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Some for people, 140 characters just isn't enough. Twitter knows this, and as a site widely mocked for having no business model, I expect that they're the ones laughing now with the upcoming introduction of Premier Accounts.

This is from their latest press release:

Premium accounts will come in four tiers: Sparrow, Dove, Owl and Eagle.

The details of the accounts are as follows:

• Sparrow ($5/month) – Users get 145 character limit, 5 extra random followers.


• Dove ($15/month) – Users get 160 character limit, 25 extra random followers, 1 random celebrity follower, auto-spell check, "Fail Whale" T-shirt.


• Owl ($50/month) – Users get 250 character limit, 100 extra random followers, 2 random celebrity followers, 30 minutes on recommended list, auto-spell check and "Fail Whale”" hoodie.


• Eagle ($250/month) – Users get 500 character limit, 1000 extra random followers, 3 celebrity followers of their choice, 5 hours on recommended list each month, Twitter Concierge for Tweeting while user is asleep or busy (and more), auto-spell check, "Fail Whale" tuxedo and custom "Fail Whale" page when service is down.

Whether or not the introduced of these new accounts will be successful when so many Twitters are satisfied with their free accounts remains to be seen, but either way, Twitter, I applaude you for a ballsy move. Good show.

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As I'm sure you all know, I teach early morning military fitness camps. Outside. In the park. Before 8am. In rain or shine. I've been doing it for over two years now. It's a lot of fun most of the time. Sure, the 5am starts can sometimes suck ass, and if the weather's being mean or you've got a hangover (*ahem*) it's a total bitch to do, but most of the time, I enjoy it, and it usually seems like the people who take part like doing it too. They keep coming back, so I'm doing something right.

Anyway, using a load of photos and videos that I've taken with various groups over the last couple of years and a large amount of help from muvee, I've slapped together a video compilation of some booty campy goings on for your viewing pleasure. Though I use the word 'pleasure' with mild trepedation.

Go on, have a watch. It's fun. Sort of.

ABC: Andy's Boot Camp

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Unbelievably, Microsoft have come up with a product that not only is a good idea, but it pretty fun too. It's called SongSmith. Here's a little bit about it from the web blurb:

Just open up Songsmith, choose from one of thirty different musical styles, and press record. Sing whatever you like – a birthday song for Mom, a love song for that special someone (they’ll be impressed that you wrote a song for them!), or maybe just try playing with your favorite pop songs. As soon as you press “stop”, Songsmith will generate musical accompaniment to match your voice, and play back your song for you. It’s that simple

So basically what happens is you supply the vocals, and then it matches your tone and speed and generates music to accompany whatever you've sung. Pretty nifty. I'm yet to try it out myself as of yet, but this guy here had a go, and it actually looks like it's a lot of fun. But that's not the really awesome thing that it can do. Prepare to have you mind well and truly blown.

What then happens if you take the vocals to some of the most classic songs of all time, and play them through it? Will it come up with anything like the original song?
The answer, simply, is no. Instead it comes up with something much much better. Well, maybe not better, but definitely damn hilarious.

I've hunted around on YouTube and found my top ten SongSmith remixes, but there's loads of others if you look around. These will crack you up, guarenteed.

Queen - We Will Rock You


Motorhead - Ace Of Spades


Survivor - Eye of the Tiger


Sting and the Police - Roxanne


Oasis - Wonderwall


Micheal Jackson - Beat It


Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl


The Killers - Somebody Told Me


Eminem - Lose Yourself


Metallica - Enter Sandman

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It must have gone something like this. There's no other explanation. Unless of course, they're all retarded*

Facebook Board Meeting - August 2008
Mark Zuckerberg (creator of Facebook): "So guys, we've just launched a new redesign. What's the reaction out there in pleb-land?" (As a gazillionaire, Mark refers to everyone who's worth less than seven figures as a 'pleb')
Christopher Cox (Director of Product): "Erm. Yeah. Pretty. Erm. Yeah. Erm... Good." (Chris is always a nervous wreck around Mark.)
MZ: "Listen minion. If you need to say something, spit it out or I'll choke you to death with hundred dollar bills."
CC: "It's just that... people are using Twitter."
MZ: "THEY'RE USING WHAT!?!"
Lori Goler (Director of Human Resources): "Yes. Apparently it's quite popul..."
MZ: "CRAM IT WOMAN. Nobody asked you." (Though hiring them into senior roles for legal equality purposes, Mark hates all women. Ask anyone.)
LG: "I was just sayi..."
MZ: "I said shut up dammit" (Mark says 'dammit' all the time. It's like his catch-phrase.) "Don't make me have to tell you again."
LG: "But I..."
MZ: "God dammit. Look woman, go and fetch me some tea."
LG: "Seriously..."
MZ: "TEA DAMMIT"
*Lori leaves the room - probably crying. It's a fact that women cry whenever they're asked to do the simpliest of tasks*
MZ: "Now, where were we?"
CC: "Erm, Twitter, erm, sir."
MZ: "God dammit. What do they have that we don't?"
Jonathan Heiliger (VP of Technical Operations): "You see everything that's going on on one page, and you can follow anyone you like, and they don't ask for a status, they ask 'What are you doing?'" (John is always cool under pressure. He's like Frozone from The Incredibles. But white.)
MZ (at CC): "Why the Hell don't our users see everything on one page?"
CC: "Well, erm, because we decided to, erm, utilise cool AJAX and JBOS technologies and to, erm, well, erm, allow our users to customise their erm, viewing experience and erm, set up their, erm, profiles to reflect, their, erm, you know, themselves."
MZ: "Well that's not good enough. I want all of the plebs to see everything on one page. And let's change our text from status update. You say Twitter says 'What are you doing?'. Yes. That's good. Let's use that."
JH: "I don't think directly copying them is a good idea Mark."
MZ: "Maybe you're right John" (Mark is nice to John because he thinks he has a pretty smile) "Let's use 'What the fuck are you up to?'"
JH: "Again Mark, I have to say, I don't think using the word 'fuck' is such a good idea"
MZ: "Well what do you suggest then? 'What the hell are up to?' 'What the crap are you up to?'"
JH: "Maybe we could try having no swearing at all. How about 'What's on your mind?'"
MZ *ponders for a moment*: "Yes. Yes. That could work God dammit. Great idea John. Here, have another million pounds."
*Mark hands John a briefcase full of money. The unlock code is always 666*
MZ: "Now what about this Ajax stuff you were talking about. Is that the football team. I don't remember telling you that you could buy them God dammit."
CC: "No, not erm, Ajax, sir. It's AJAX. It erm, allows, erm people to customise their erm, viewing experince and load, erm, content and stuff, errr, dynamically."
MZ: "Well there's our problem. What do plebs know about websites. Nothing. Take that all away. They don't need that."
CC: "But it erm, scored highly on erm, usability tests, and, erm..."
MZ: "Look Chris, I don't pay you to think. I pay you to do, so just do it God dammit."
CC: "Erm, yes. Ok then sir. Whatever you say sir."
*CC looks forlorn and upset*
MZ: "What's the problem now God dammit"
CC: "I just, I don't think that, erm, taking away the users power is, erm, is such a good idea... I just think..."
MZ: "God dammit man, you're a mess. Get out of my sight and go and clean yourself up this instant."
CC: "Erm, ok sir"
*CC starts to leave, but as he exits the room he knocks the returning Lori over with the door who spills the tea everywhere*
MZ: "For God's sake woman. Can you do nothing right? What did I even hire you for anyway? This place is a fucking disgrace. It had better be sorted out before I come back. Come on John. Let's get out of here"
*Mark and John step onto their custom made solid gold Segways and drift out of the room, only slowed slightly by the bump that is Lori's outstretched legs*

*note for facebook legal team. This is just a spoof. This actually probably didn't happen. Probably.

UPDATE: I just recieved this from readwriteweb.com. Apt good sir, very apt.

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I often wonder what it would be like if I was in a cartoon. That said, I also sometimes like to sit at the front of the bus and pretend I'm a giant looking down on everyone. Anyway, apart from my occasional giant wierdness, I sometimes ponder on how would I look if I was drawn into an episode of Family Guy; or if I was in Spiderman, what costume would I wear; or how would Frank Miller have drawn me in Sin City.

I expect that unfortunately I'll never know the pleasure that is answer to most of these idle thoughts, but with a little (lot) of Photoshop know-how, I can at least bring one of them to life. Sin City. Undoubtedly one of the greatest graphic novels ever created (along with the 'Preacher' series in my opinion).

Franks mix of high contrast black and white imagary means two things.

1. Striking pictures


2. Simple(r) duplication

So, I had a little fiddle (which sounds worse than it probably should) with a picture of me, and now I'm probably as close as I'll ever get to knowing what my ventures into that city of violence and debauchary would look like.

And I had to say something deep and meaningful. It's the rules don't ya know.



Waddya think peeps?

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You understand the difference between a dollar and a cent, right? A dollar is a hundred times bigger. You also understand that half a dollar is therefore a hundred times bigger than half a cent, and that 0.1 dollars is a hundred times bigger than 0.1 cents, don't you? So you therefore understand that 0.002 dollars is a different number to 0.002 cents, correct? It's a hundred fold bigger. It's a fact. It's maths. It's plain and simple. Well, no it's not. Not according to Verizon anyway

Verizon maths fail (short version - for the full unedited version, go here)


Well, the guy who made that call now has got his own back, by sending them this cheeky little payment cheque.



Can you tell he's also the author of the maths webcomic xkcd?

Currently, there's a lot of debate as to whether it's made out for e^(i*pi) or e^(2*pi). Personally, I think that's an 'i'. No way it's a two. And because 'i' is an imaginary number on the complex plane, it equals -1. And considering that it's also + sum (1/2^n), which is +1, it's factors out to
0.002 + -1 + 1, which is 0.002 dollars (who are you calling a geek?)

Or should that be 0.002 cents. Is there a difference, really? Hmmmm.

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Remember those PowerThirst spoofs that actually rocked ass? Of course you do. How could you forget such gold as

"You'll feel like a rocket ship made out of biceps"
"You'll have babies. So many babies. 400 babies"
"Shockolate. It's chocolate made with lightning. Real lightning"
"You'll be so fast Mother Nature will be like 'slow down', but you'll be like 'fuck you' and kick her in the face with your energy legs"

Oh, and all the shouting too. Yeah. They were great. Well what would happen if they really made a drink. I mean really really made one. Well, I guess we're going to find out.

Brawndo featured heavily in the 2006 Mike Judge dark comedy Idiocracy, and now, the rights have been bought to make it for real. Yep, you too can now get jacked up on crazy amounts of caffeine and party / dance / write reems of AJAX code through the night without thinking about your bed once. Here to tell you more is the creator being interviewed on Internet Superstar:



Reasons this drink is utterly awesome:

1. It started life in a fictional film


2. It's the colour of the Incedible Hulks biceps


3. It has more caffeine per can than three Redbulls


4. The guy who came up with the idea is a God damn nerd


5. The advertising seriously kicks ass

Seriously. The advertising is epic. Have a look for yourself. If you're not impressed, I'll crush your skull with my bare hands, just like the video tells me to.

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As I mentioned the other day, over the weekend Simon and I did a major Resident Evil 5 marathon. Which we recorded. Apparently, he's had an arse of a time slapping this video together because of nigglily timings or something, but I think he's making excuses. Anyway, the fruits of his (and our) labour are after the jump.

And no, nigglily isn't a rascist word, before you ask.

Resident Evil 5 - in almost one sitting (time lapse)


Incidently, I think you'll agree that ours is far superior to the only other Resident Evil time-lapse video on YouTube. This guy needs a chair, if only so he can stop humping his bed.

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What happens when you try to wind up a friend on MSN, but they know more about what you're talking about than you do. It doesn't have the amusing impact that you thought it would, that's what. I think being this bored is dangerous, both for your health and your sanity.

Andy Whitehead says:
- what's happened to your twitter account?
- http://twitter.com/suspended
- just gives me that
LonelyCoo - says:
- works fine for me
Andy Whitehead says:
- everytime I go to you, I see "suspended"
- what have you done?
- naughty boy
LonelyCoo - says:
- nothing, its fine
- just refreshed, its all good
Andy Whitehead says:
- haha, I know... just messing around... God I'm bored

Lame!

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I'm a big fan of new ideas, new styles, design memes, stuff like that. The newest kid on the block these days is Tilt Shift Photography, or Tilt Shift Miniature Faking. It's great. Basically, it's a method to take your boring old pictures, and make them look miniature. I don't mean resizing them to 64x48 pixels; no, that would just be daft, I mean making your pictures look like they wouldn't be out of place as a backdrop for Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb.

Some people are already amazing at it. Check out some Tilt Shift examples on Flickr. Me on the other hand, I'm just average. So far anyway, but I've only had two go's and the images weren't ideal in the first place. Need some with everything a bit further away really.

Yes, I know a bad worker blames his tools (though I am only rocking out Photoshop CS2 at home - badly need to upgrade to CS4), but I like them for my first attempts. Let me know what you think. Unless it's nasty. I don't think I could handle that right now.

Double click to see the full-size:



UPDATE:
I've done a few more now with some better piccies. Now waddya think. Not so mean anymore huh Huh HUH!!!

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An epic win. A tire win. That's a win that involves tires. That is all.

Tire Win

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Some things are very sexy. Some are not. It seems like every day I come across both in some form or other. Today is definitely one of those days, and with extremes that rival any other day that I care to remember.

On one hand, we have footage of Jenyne Butterfly winning the 2009 U.S Pole Dancing Championships, and on the other hand we have some woman - probably your mum (yeah, I went there) - doing what she considers a highly sexy dance at Spring Break. Only one of the two would I sleep with even if I found out that she a womb made of bees or if she was actually a well shaved bear. Care to guess which one? I'll give you a hint. It's not your mum, not after last time.

Sexy Win


Sexy Fail

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It's troublesome times at the moment. The world's going to pot with a combination of terrorism, the biggest economic crisis we've ever seen and people losing TV remotes left, right and centre, and I'm sure a lot of people are wondering what else could go wrong. Well you could have ache all over your chops that spells out the word "arse" on your head. Yes. You heard me. Let me introduce the boy his 'friends' have affectionately named Craphead Slaphead. Goes to show that kids are stupid. Craphead Slaphead is so inappropriate. ShitZit is not only half the syllables, but also twice the awesome.

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What the hell is this? I was just happily playing a game of Pool Practice on facebook (which incidently totally sucks ass and the game breaks whenever you clear up), and after pocketing all ten balls in one go, I got the failure message:

"nonce failed verification"

Erm, excuse me? That does say "nonce failed verification", doesn't it?

I'm so angry, I just sent the developer a message.

To: Pool Practice
From: Andy Whitehead
Subject: Nonce?
Message: Why is it that whenever I pot all of the balls in your game, I get the error message:

"Illegal score (nonce failed verification)"

Nonce? Really? What's that all about? There could be kids around man. Not cool. Not cool at all.

To: Andy Whitehead
From: Shane Walker
Subject: RE: Nonce?
Message: Nonce? That's a computer term for a database write failure. What else does it mean?

To: Shane Walker
From: Andy Whitehead
Subject: RE: Nonce?
Message: Dude, it's a slang term for a kiddy-fiddling paedophile - see

To: Andy Whitehead
From: Shane Walker
Subject: RE: Nonce?
Message: Wowzer

To: Shane Walker
From: Andy Whitehead
Subject: RE: Nonce?
Message: Wowzer indeed. May be time to rethink your your choice of wording before some small bean regarding unabummer thinks they've failed and so does some more none-failing noncing. Or something.

To: Andy Whitehead
From: Shane Walker
Subject: RE: Nonce?
Dude, it's not ours, its EVERY server running that stack.

To: Shane Walker
From: Andy Whitehead
Subject: RE: Nonce?
Message: I question the moral intentions of those in charge. Rebel! Upheave! Viva the revolution!

Andys Land of Adventure would like to make it known that no nonces were harmed during the making of this blog. Shame.

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It's been a good weekend. Tiring as hell, but good, that's for sure. A real 'lads' weekend. Gaming, beer, fighting and girls. OK, there weren't actually any girls; so just gaming, beer and fighting. Though the gaming and the fighting were technically the same thing, so gaming and beer. Although I drank cider. So yeah, gaming and cider. Quality.

You see, Simon invited me over on Saturday, basically to have a crack at playing through the new Resident Evil 5 game on the PS3 in one sitting. We'd read somewhere that it would take about nine hours to do, so definitely achievable in one Saturday. Whoever said that is either:
a) a big fat liar
b) some kind of gaming God.

It actually took much, much longer.

We started about 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and by the time we completed the fifth of six chapters, it was 5am on Sunday morning. We'd already clocked up 14 hours. Outside of a quick 30 minute break to eat some pizza and watch an episode of South Park, it was a solid 14 hours of gaming too. Come 5am though, we were knackered. That fact that we'd sunk 19 pints between us too probably wasn't helping matters either. We called it a night and hit the hay, but agreed to get up at 10am and do the last hour or so needed to complete the game. It turned out, that five more hours were actually needed. Five! Armed with our cups of tea, we cracked on again at 10am and didn't finish until 3pm. Some parts of the last chapter were so unbelievably hard that it took us five stinking hours to do. Was worth it for the sense of achievement in the end though, even if Simon gets all of the game trophies and I don't.

Still, we managed to plough through the entire thing in a 24 hour period, which was great, but I'm suffering because of it now. I had to have a little snooze earlier. No wonder kids slouch around all of the time. They're all fucked from gaming. Probably.

Anyway, we took a time-lapse video, both of us playing and getting progressive more drunk and more relaxed, and of the television (which is a constant wash of "You Are Dead" screenshots) which Simon's going to put together and upload somewhere. I'll be sure to post it as and when it appears. Not that you'll watch it, because it's stupid.

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Reasons that today has been a shit day:

1. I didn't get the job I was after. Apparently my open and energetic personality would be too overbearing for some of the other staff. It's a gym for God's sake. Man up!


2. I have a hangover


3. I have to sign on


4. My iPod died three minutes into my two hour bus ride home


5. I had to take a two hour bus ride home


6. My neck hurts from where I stacked it last night in a pub


7. My free texting from online sending website thingy is buggered

Reasons that today has been a good day:

1. It hasn't rained yet

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What's better than watching a load of hot girls run around in bikinis? How about a load of hot girls running around in bikinis, but in super slow motion? How about adding an icecream fight to the equation? Now we're getting sexy. Still not 100% sure if you want to watch what follows? There's a midget in there too. Yep, that sold it.

DJ Goodwill - I Scream (music video)
Be sure to press the High Quality button. You won't regret it.

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Shintaro Kago. It's not a name you'll forget in a while. This. Man. Is. Crazy. Any questions that you may have about this guys sanity will be answered when you watch the videos below. What. The. Hell?

Fifty quid says that he's not an animator at all. I bet he's really some kind of demon who appears from the darkness and feeds on your face if you say his name five times.
Shintaro Kago. Shintaro Kago. Shintaro Kago. Shintaro Kago. Shintaro Kagaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Terror of Golf Course


Mermaid


Terror of Olympic Games

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It's a good thing I've had a couple of beers, else there's no way that I'd do this top ten list. Prepare yourself, as these are seriously awful; but in a good way; I think.

Without any further stalling, here is a countdown of the ten most shameful pictures of me that I found on facebook (and I had 1,137 to go at), as well as the album they're from and my reasoning behind it. I'll give you a heads-up. Most of the time, the reason is "drunk". Double click pictures to enlarge.

10. Egypt flight

Album: Cairo 2008 - Flights via Zurich and the Hotel
Taken: February 2007 by Roz Steel
Explanation: On the way back from Egypt, Roz and I had 20 minutes or so of 'pull a silly face at the camera'. This is the worst. It ranks so low as it was borderline intentional.

9. Drink FAIL

Album: We hit 2,000,000!
Taken: July 2007 by Russ Anderson
Explanation: At lastminute.com, we hit two million, erm, somethings. I don't remember what it was, but there were two million of them. For this reason we had champagne. Champagne which I managed to spill all down myself, hence the picture.

8. Fish lips

Album: Marketing Merryment
Taken: December 2007 by Simon Wicks
Explanation: I have no idea what this night was, but considering it was in December, I can only presume it was a Christmas party, so I was subsequently drunk. That would make sense.

7. Drunk and explaining something. Probably

Album: Bowley's Birthday
Taken: August 2007 by Russ Anderson
Explanation: Alex Bowley turned another year older. We all went out for drinks at Garlic and Shots. No-one leaves Garlic and Shots in one piece. This photo is overwhelming proof of that.

6. New Years Eve goes wrong

Album: New Years Eve
Taken: January 2008 by Sarah Munden
Explanation: If you're going to play Circle of Death with people, don't get ganged up on. I got scuppered by four players, and after consuming most of a bottle of Havana Rum, I didn't make it to midnight. In fact I didn't make it to 9:45pm. This is what happens when you're dragged up at midnight, even though I still have no recollection of it happening.

5. Drunk. End of.

Album: More lastminute.com merriment
Taken: September 2007 by Mark Bowerman
Explanation: Drunk. Plain and simple

4. Special needs singing

Album: Beach BBQ
Taken: June 2007 by Emmanuelle Clermont
Explanation: Manue hosting a beach theme party in the summer of '07. I ended up cooking on the BBQ all day. Despite doing all that, she still posted this truly horrendous picture of a few of us. We felt very special that day, and not in the good way.

3 Big fat baby

Album: Beach BBQ
Taken: June 2007 by Ian Whitehead
Explanation: I was a chunky baby. You can't mock a baby though. It's just not proper.

2. I know nothing

Album: Tech Summer party
Taken: July 2007 by Russ Anderson
Explanation: I vaguely remember this party. There was free food that was gone before the plates had even hit the table, and a free bar that resulted in me falling asleep in a bar. Somewhere in between the getting there and falling asleep I managed to sprout eight chins. Epic.

1. Blond bombshell

Album: Poker Night
Taken: April 2007 by Me
Explanation: Why I chose to upload this is beyond me. For a long time, I had bright blond hair. I say blond, but it went neon orange for a long time. In hindsight, it was both awesome and awful. Growing a uncoordinated goatee and pulling ridiculous faces probably didn't help the look though.

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Right now, London is awash with Michael Jackson fever. Unless you've been living under a rock for the last week or so, you'll know that the King of Pop has decided to play in London for one last time and has announced a residency at the O2 arena. Originally, he was set to play just ten dates, but due to the enormous demand is now playing 37 nights. That's a hell of a lot of demand. Considering that the 10 gigs were due to fetch him $60million, I can only imagine that he's now going to make in the region of $222million. Well he needs it now, that's for sure.

So everyone has gone nuts to get tickets, and I must admit, even I've got mine on the way. Why? Well, in my opinion, the guy is the greatest performer who's ever lived. He single-handedly shaped pop music into what we know it as today, and still has by far the greatest music videos of all time.

But, do I expect the now 50-year-old, half man half material Michael to be as good as he would have been 20 years ago? No, no I don't; but if it's really the last chance I'll have to see him perform, I'm there with bells on. Hell, he might surprise us all and still seriously rock the house, though I doubt it somehow.

If that's not enough to wet your whistle, check out this little lot

Dirty Diana


Thriller


Beat It


Billie Jean


Bad


Smooth Criminal (by far the greatest)


*On a side note, FUCK YOU YOUTUBE for blocking all music videos to UK viewers. Sort it out!

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Bikes. I've owned a lot of bikes in the past. I was thinking about it the other day and realised I've owned nine 'proper' bikes in my life. By proper, I don't mean trikes or any kiddy shite like that. All proper bikes. With wheel. And brakes. Most of the time at least. From what I can remember, the list goes a little like this

• A Raleigh kids bike. Blue with spongy padding on the top tube and the handlebars. I don't remember the model though. I don't know what happened to this one.


• Another Raleigh. This time some bright green thing with black disk wheels. Not proper disk wheels though. Just a disk covering the spokes. And only on the back if I remember correctly. This got passed onto my brother I think.


• An Apollo. It was my proper adult size bike. But it was bright orange. And I mean bright. You couldn't look straight at it for too long else your eyes would melt. It was also my first (but not my last) bike to be stolen from my parents shed.


• Back on the Raleigh's, this time with a Kalamunda. 14.5" frame. Silver. And with suspension forks. My first suspension forks. Also got nicked from the shed.


• A dark green full suspension Raleigh Max that I bought from a kid down the street. I rode the crap out of that bike. Was great for downhilling at the time. That one got stolen from the shed too. It was also when we decided to stop leaving bikes in the shed.


• Now, I don't remember what make my next one was, but I remember it was dark blue and had yellow RST 281 forks. I loved that bike. It got stolen from outside of the main shopping centre in Burton.


• Another Raleigh Max, the Max 2, with a Y-frame. Very light and easy to ride. Was the first bike I had in London. Was also the first bike I had stolen in London. It happened the day one of my old housemates was moving out of the Herne Hill flat. I still blame her for it.


• My low-ride chopper. Potentially my coolest bike so far. Based on a Schwinn Stingray I custom built and custom painted it, and it awesome to ride. That also got stolen from my flat in Herne Hill the day I moved to Romford.


• My current ride, a Specialized Cirrus Sport 2006. Incredibly light as has saved me a fortune on travel cards. To cut a long story short I got it for free as someone was giving it away. It's not been stolen yet either.

I've already planned my summer upgrade (as / when I can afford it) and want to get a Specialized Langster Monaco 2009. It's very swanky. Carbon fibre and the choice of fixed or free wheel. Niiice.

They've been my rides, but currently in my shed I also have these two little numbers (double click to enlarge).

The reason that I have them is that I now seem to be getting them to order. Both Mazz and her housemate have both been after one, so I've been keeping my eye out for freebies and managed to acquire them both for no cost, which is nice.

Getting onto the point about this blog; sometimes, even getting a bike for free for someone still isn't enough - not for women anyway. The bike, albeit fine, is "just not red enough", so now I'm using the fact that I've been working on bikes pretty much my entire life to dismantle the shopper style one above, strip all of the paint off and then base, coat in "BMW flame red" and then lacquer before rebuilding it all again. So today I've been out in the garden all day up to my elbows in Allen keys and NitroMors taking it apart and stripping the paint. It's a bit of a mission, but fortunately I actually like playing with these things, and the gear / brake system on this one was not one I'd seen before so was actually a bit of a challenge.

I'll let you know how I get on with what I'm now calling "Bike Mod Project 2"; if you give a crap that is.

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They range from the somewhat normal, to the downright bizarre. They're the ten words and terms that I pretty much survive on most days, as well as an example that I've actually used before and what they actually mean. One or two I made up a while back, and are particularly none-PC, but I love them all the same. £2 goes to the first person to come up with a legiable sentence that includes all ten. So, here they come from least favourite, to most epic (there's one right away). Go go go!

10. Aye
Example: "Aye, I'm up for that"
Meaning: Yes. Affirmative. Ok.
I'm not Scottish. I think I only know one Scottish person, and I haven't seen him in years. No idea why I say this one really. Just pops up a lot.

9. Jeeez
Example: "Jeeeez, that's a big toenail"
Meaning: Jesus. Holy crap.
I expect a lot of people say this one. I'll see you all in Hell.

8. EPIC
Example: "EPIC FAIL dude"
Meaning: Amazing. Fabulous. In both a good and a bad way.
The best and the worst things in life are EPIC. Whether an EPIC WIN, or an EPIC FAIL. I am EPIC. In both good and bad ways.

7. Tidy
Example: "Tidy"
Meaning: Perfect. Fine.
It's a Gavin and Stacey thing. Nessa more specifically. Been saying it ever since I started watching it. Mazz uses it way too much too though so I blame her entirely.

6. Shizzle
Example: "Due to IPs and shizzle though, I had to pick a new name"
Meaning: Stuff. Different stuff. Things.
Again, a Mazz inspiration. No idea where it came from. I knew of 'shizzle my nizzle' but don't think it's related. No, it's not. I don't think. I'll check. *checks*. No, no relation.

5. Spanner
Example: "You spanner"
Meaning: Idiot. Fool.
I've used this for as long as I can remember. If it wasn't for number two and three from this list it would be my numero uno insult. But they are there, so it has to stay down at numbero... erm... three.

4. pow Pow POW
Example: "pow Pow POW"
Meaning: crash Bang WALLOP.
Another inspired one, this time from Simon. I use it with lots of different words though. Actually used it first when using the Thor hammer in the latest Tomb Raider game. The important thing is the 'lowercase' 'capitalised' 'uppercase' format. Works with most things, like "spam Spam SPAM" or "tacos Tacos TACOS".

3. Spaz
Example: "Alright spaz"
Meaning: Spastic.
I know it's mocking spasticated people, and that's not cool; but it's so easy to do. I mean, it's not like they're going to start a fight.

2. Spac-tard
Example: "Your mum is such a spac-tard!"
Meaning: Half spastic, half retard.
About as none-PC as a word gets. I used to use it all the time but now try not to, especially in important places, like court, police stations, libraries or Argos.

1. Parp parp
Example: "Did you just let out a cheeky parp parp?"
Meaning: Fart. Trump. Pass wind.
I do this far too often, so have stopped trying to get away with it, especially around the misses. She just says something like "was that a little parp parp", and then I giggle. The evenings just fly by!

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A while ago, Google came up with this funky "auto complete" thingy-ma-jig that looks at what you're typing and tries to guess what you're going to write. I'm sure it's been done elsewhere before, but Google's has definitely had the most impact. There's sites all over the place that highlight some of the best Google Suggestions around, but what about YouTube. That's owned by Google now, and subsequently does the same, though in a somewhat more limited manner.

Here are a few of the best ones that I found (double click to expand):

I'm sure there's better out there, but I can't be arsed to look right now. Do it for me will you?

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This Intertubes has lots on it. Only yesterday I was shown a website called "Google" where you can hunt for almost anything. It's amazing. After that, I was shown something called a MySpace. You can write to all kinds of people on there if you like and tell them all about yourself. Whatever next. I signed up and already have 13 friends. It's un-be-lievable. This morning, I discovered the YouTube, which will let you watch videos from all over the world. It's quite astonishing. I've put together a collection of the 10 best fights that I found on the YouTube for your viewing pleasure. Just wait until you see number one. Incredible.

10. David Belle vs. Lots of baddies (District B13)
Ok, I know the first one on this list isn't technically a fight, but there's fighting in it, and it's awesome. Anyway it's my list and I can put whatever I want on it, so there.



9. Dwarf vs. Midget Muay Thai
Early money would be on the dwarf in this, because even though he's about three foot tall, he's still twice the size of the midget. The outcome may not be what you expect. At 1:35 is one of the most amazing things you'll see in any video, ever. Prepare to have your mind blown.



8. Tony Jaa vs. Lateef Crowder (from The Protector)
The first (but not the last) choreographed fight to make the list. Muay Thai vs Capoeria, in water, and fire. Yes please.



7. Buffalo vs. Lion vs. Crocodile
Sometimes natures kicks ass too. Sometimes it bites. Sometimes it springs out of the water. This is one and all of those times.



6. Dad vs. Kids
Parents usually hate their kids. They'll use any excuse to kick their infant son in the face. "Honey, I'm just going to film a martial arts video with the kids". "Ok dear, just don't rip his spleen out with your bare hands again". Touching family moments.



5. Midget vs. Midget (Jerry Springer)
If you don't end up chanting "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" at the end of this, you just ain't cool. But, if you chant along with "Take them off, take them off", you're just plain sick.



4. Pimp vs. Jay Li
Back in the days when I was a pimp, I used to hate it when uppity crackers used to tell me not to beat on my hoe. She's my hoe fool and I'll do what I like.



3. Ken vs Chun Li (Street Fighter)
Yes it's a game, and no you probably don't 'get' the awesomeness of it. Ken (the boy) does a 14 move parry (much harder than just a block) on Chun Li (the girl) before retaliating with a twelve move finishing combo of his own. Twelve moves. That loads. That's the same as the number of toes I have. Wow.



2. Chinaman vs. Chinamen
Now I understand why so many people are terrified of Chinese people.



1. William Shatner vs. Some alien lizard thing
Undoubtedly the most thrilling and actioned packed fight scene ever to have ever been caught on camera. The speed and intensity in the first 20 seconds almost made me crap my pants.

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